How to break up with a violent or narcissistic partner

A violent and narcissistic partner is not necessarily the same thing, but there are overlaps and they often use the similar strategies to keep you in the relationship. Dealing with violent or narcissistic partners can be incredibly challenging at the best of times, but there are steps you can take steps to help you navigate the breakup. Your safety is the priority though they are going to try to make you feel they their safety and especially wellbeing is more important and should take priority. Don’t believe it, look after yourself first. Part of looking after yourself might be putting a safety plan in place for them too so that you don’t get guilt tripped, but you are still the top priority.

Prepare Yourself Mentally

 Narcissists often react with anger or manipulation when faced with rejection. Be ready for this and stay firm in your decision. Be sure of your reasons going into the discussion and keep the focus on the topic in hand. Don’t be accusatory but rather focus on your needs. ‘At the moment I need …. but I realise you need … and the two don’t go together.’ ‘ I want … for the future which does not align with what you want.’ ‘I value … but I realise you value something else.’ Think through your reasons and make sure you can stick to them. Document any abuse. If there has been any abusive behaviour, keep a record of incidents with photos of damage or injuries. This can be important if you need to seek legal protection.

Reach Out for Support

Reach out to trusted friends, family, a therapist or a support group. Having a strong support system can help you stay strong and grounded while having people you trust around you can provide emotional support and help you stay safe if there might be violence

Create a Safety Plan

Plan the breakup in a way that ensures your safety. Identify safe places you can go if needed. Keep important items (like your phone, keys, and ID) accessible and have emergency numbers on hand. If your partner is likely to try to manipulate you with threats of suicide or self-harming it is worth creating a safety plan for them too so that you don’t get guilt tripped into staying. You can have suicide help line numbers ready, a friend or family that can be called on and relatively safe surroundings, eg don’t break the news on a cliff top, but ultimate ultimately your partner’s safety is your partner’s responsibility; not yours.

Plan the Conversation

Choose a safe time and place; whatever feels physically and emotionally safest for you. You could do it in person in a public place where you feel safe or have someone nearby who knows the situation or decide to do it in person or through another means (like a phone call or message). In-person conversations can be difficult with, as they may try to manipulate you so be clear, firm, direct and assertive. Let your partner know that the relationship is over and avoid engaging in lengthy discussions, explanations or justifications. They may grab that opportunity to try to use your words against you. Stay calm and avoid engaging as they may try to provoke you into arguments or emotional responses.

Get Professional Help

Contact local authorities, shelters, or domestic violence hotlines for guidance if you think you need it. They can offer advice and resources tailored to your situation. If you feel threatened, get a restraining order or other legal measures to protect yourself. Focus on your Well-Being: and prioritize self-care and take time to heal. Narcissistic relationships can leave deep emotional scars, so consider therapy or counselling to help you process your feelings and regain your strength.

After the break-up

Setting boundaries after a breakup is crucial for your healing process and maintaining emotional well-being. Make a no contact rule; no texting, calling, or social media interactions. This is to help you gain emotional distance and prevents potential conflicts and the chance for this person to get into your head again. Block the number and social media accounts. Avoid places where you might run into your ex to help reduce emotional triggers. Consider changing your routine if you're worried about being followed. Keep strong boundaries. Be prepared for pushback. Your ex may not respect your boundaries at first. Stay firm and remind yourself why these boundaries are important for your well-being.

Define your boundaries. If there are children involved you may need to communicate with your ex in which case be clear and assertive about your boundaries. Clearly identify what is acceptable and unacceptable for you. Use "I" statements to express your needs and avoid blaming or accusatory language. This could include things like not discussing personal matters with your ex or setting limits on when and how you will communicate and stick to them. Consistency is key. It might be challenging at first, but it will help you regain control over your life.

Use any support systems you have and prioritize activities that promote your well-being. Exercise, hobbies, and spending time with loved ones can help you heal and reinforce your boundaries. Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your boundaries. They can provide encouragement and help you stay accountable. and give you space to heal.

Constantly evaluate and adjust to changing circumstances. Regularly think about your boundaries and adjust them as needed. Your needs may change over time, and it's important to be flexible.

Setting boundaries is about protecting your own emotional health and creating a space where you can heal. It's perfectly okay to prioritize yourself during this time. You deserve to be in a healthy and supportive relationship. Stay strong, and don't hesitate to seek help if you need it.

If you need immediate assistance you can contact:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline (for the UK): 0808 2000 247 (24/7 support)

• Women's Aid: Women's Aid Website